Last night was terrifying… I hadn’t experienced a panic attack or anything remotely close to it until the clock struck two Oct 12, 2017. Disclaimer: if you think this sounds anything like Dickens then thank you, I’m honoured. I imagine your next question might be, “so when does the ghost of Dairy Milk past come out to haunt you?” Haha, funny. You’re funny. There was no chocolate ghost. Not this time. Not ever… I don’t think inanimate objects have ghosts actually…
But, in honour of being poetically fancy I will let you know that the ghost of my “should have dones” and “what ifs” hovered over my head like ghouls on speed. They would never rest. They couldn’t settle. They jumped in and out of my brain. They clouded my judgement with their waxen, white robes. They wouldn’t let me be.
You might be wondering why I was in this mood of complete frenzy… well, my neck was killing me and I needed to wake up for cross fit in a couple hours.
More importantly, I didn’t do well on one of my University assignments and was told my highest mark would be a B + in that class. This wouldn’t be so awful if I wasn’t planning on applying for graduate work but indeed I am; when I am finished my Education and English degree this year I plan on applying to law school. As I’m sure you can imagine, the require a fairly high GPA (by fairly high I mean to the moon high… no… to VY Canis Majoris high… yep, that’s slightly more accurate).
On top of that many other passions, options and things to achieve decided to pillage on my mind.
As I lay there, my head and neck aching, I thought of familial issues and my role to play in them, my responsibility as a loving wife, my book and publishing paths, my relationship with God, my relationship with friends and obligations, my reputation and credibility in the work force. I began to think of assignments that I might tank and stupid things I might say during my upcoming presentations. I started to think about all the extra volunteer work that was required of me and if my health, as it stands, would allow it.
In short: there was a circus going on in my head and I couldn’t sleep above the din.
For a while I lay there, allowing the clowns, acrobats and tamed lions to run rampant through my mind. I allowed fear to swallow me whole. After many too many minutes of paralysis by way of fear I realized something very important.
It was something that would change how I would react to the situation.
I remembered that I am the daughter of a God who is so much bigger than the anxiety, the fear, the worry. I am the daughter of the King of Kings, the Lord of all Creation! Why would I let one grade bother me? If one grade too big for the King of the Universe to work with? I would give my fear and anxiety to Him. I would let Him take it then not allow myself to take it back on. Yes! It had worked before.
In light of this fresh information, I stilled myself in the darkness and started reciting Psalm 23. It goes a little something like this:
The Lord is my shepherd. I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul (no one else can do this). Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil for your rod and your staff they comfort me. You prepare a place for me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil (with joy). Surely Your goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
After repeating this a couple of times, much to my relief, the wildly beating heart within my chest started to sink beneath waters of placid peace. The storm in my mind calmed to a dull roar then stopped altogether. My worries faded away. The throbbing in my neck subsided bit by bit. My body relaxed and I was pulled into the arms of the Prince of Peace. He watched over me as I slept. I could feel it.
The next morning, my heart felt so dry and exhausted. I needed something anything. I needed more than the materialistic gains I had been running for to satisfy me.
I spent a good amount of time with Him rehashing what I had felt and how desperately I needed His presence and His guidance. I felt like a creek bed, dry and without sustenance or life. It didn’t take long for Him to answer each one of my cries with that sweet voice of His… that sweet, sweet voice.
He calmed my fears.
I write this for a couple different reasons but one of the most important is so that you know you are not alone. If you are struggling with fear, anxiety of anything of the like today please approach God and ask Him to still your frantic heart. He longs to hear your cries. He will not judge you for them. He welcomes you with open arms and a gentle heart.
He wants you to live life to the fullest and not to be bound by societies (and your own) expectations. Allow yourself to rest in His strong arms today. Let His peace flood you.
If you need prayers for anything do not hesitate to contact me.
This sound is incredible to listen to when you’re going through a tough time. It helps calm me when I’m having super tough time <3